Apparently, it turns out Brendan really is describing white people as "gravy". Last week after Mass, he referred to the two priests (one black and one white) at our church as the "chocolate" one and the "gravy" one. For the life of me, I can't figure out why his three-year-old brain decided to go with gravy. In the almost year that Bren has been with us, I imagine we have had gravy less than five times. Perhaps it is because we are in Florida and most white people pretty much have year-round tans here...? You got me. Either way I am fascinated by how our society views skin color, particularly through a child's eyes.
I've told this story a million times, so I apologize if you have heard it, but I remember when Aidan was around Bren's age, and she was so curious about people being different colors. We were in a Starbucks drive-thru one day, and as I was ordering, Aidan piped up from her car seat, "Mama, ask him what color he is!" (I did not, but I sure laughed, a bit uncomfortably!)
I would venture to say that most children are just curious. In preschool, children are intrigued by differences--in fact, I would say, it takes an adult or some media influence to lead them to negatively view differences. When Aidan was three, we lived at Fort Bragg and I enrolled her in the part-day Child Development Center (CDC) preschool. She had not been there long when she told me that she was not going to play with the "brown girl" at preschool. I remember being floored. We went straight into the CDC and explained to one of her teachers, who was black, that we were certain Aidan had heard this from another child at preschool, and this needed to be addressed. We were completely dismissed. She insisted that Aidan must have heard that somewhere else. Apparently, she did not realize that I keep my children in a bubble. I am certain she heard it there. We pulled Aidan from that preschool that very same day (which was by the grace of God because we then spent three wonderful years as Aidan and Cole Patrick went through preschool at FirstSchool in Fayetteville).
When we were waiting to be matched, one of the books I was reading was titled, You're Chocolate, I'm Vanilla. One day someone at my childrens' elementary school said, "I don't like the name of that book." Okay...not really sure what to do with that. What I have learned is that adults have much bigger race issues than children. For the life of me, however, I cannot figure out WHY it is so complicated, when I think it can be as simple as it is seen through child's eyes. Am I oversimplifying things when I say, "REALLY?! It is skin color! At some point, we may all just be a blend anyway, and what is wrong with that?"
It has been almost a year, and I still feel the eyes watching us because we look different. What I can't figure out is why we don't fit in and why is race still such an issue? Sometimes I feel like the place where I belong is no longer clear. I feel like I know the secret handshake, but I'm not part of the club. One point that has always kept me going through the challenges of adoption is the fact that not one of us will be worse off for choosing to be a trans-racial family. Aidan, Cole Patrick and Brendan are going to be that much more socially aware--that much more comfortable with another race. Undeniably, a step forward.
Alas, I am not completely naive. I am fully aware that we have a life time of race issues ahead of us. My hope is that our family will be a positive example--others will see that it is perfectly okay to mix black and white, or chocolate and gravy, as the case may be.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The Job Board
My entire childhood, my Dad worked either 2nd or 3rd shift at Caterpillar. Due to his shift work, we often would not see him after school and so the job board was born. The job board played a significant role in our house--it was Dad's way of communicating with us while he was a work. If you were in my house in the 80s, you could not have missed this fine piece of home decor. It prominently hung right inside our kitchen door (next to the rotary telephone with a 25 foot cord--coolest thing ever! ;-).
Now you have to understand, my Dad's method of communication may seem odd to you, but it is who he is. He is a task master. I grew up with a big yard, a good-sized house and five siblings--there were chores to be done, and six kids to do them. Get to it!
The job board (which "JOB BOARD" was actually written in bright red across the top) was wooden, probably 2 foot square, with all six of our names painted in red (I wish I had a picture of it--it hangs now in our garage and is used to hold dozens of keys--I almost sent my brother Sean over to take a photo for me!) Under each name were two nails, one labelled "Do" and the other labelled "DONE". There were also dozens of metal-rimmed key tags with various jobs written on them: Mow lawn, Weed garden, Feed Chickens/Rabbits/Goat/Etc (whatever barnyard critter we may have had at the time). If Dad was particularly upset with you, or you didn't complete all your chores, the next day you might see the feared "Do or Die" key tag under your name. (Hard to believe this is the same man that taught my children to put stuffed animals on the ceiling fan and turn it on full speed! Had I ever done that in our house...I can't even imagine what would have happened...!).
This past week, I set to making my own "Job Board". After researching loads of crafty ideas all over Pinterest and other sites, I decided that my Dad was a man before his time. I couldn't find a more practical version--his just made sense, but I had to apply a bit of Martha Stewart to it! I actually went to Home Depot and said to the man, "I am looking for metal-rimmed key tags. I know you must carry them because my Dad uses them for everything, and I KNOW he has never set foot in a craft store!" Truth be told, I am certain he bought the supplies for his job board at Farm & Fleet (his favorite store), but since there doesn't seem to be a Farm & Fleet in South Tampa, Home Depot had to do!
My finished board is a kinder, gentler version of my Dad's; it is both practical and cute. Turns out Aidan and Cole Patrick especially love to move the key tags to "Done". Apparently, I can say "practice piano" twenty times a day with no response, but a key tag that says "Practice Piano 20 Minutes" gets immediate response. Had I known this, we would have had a job board a long time ago!
Now you have to understand, my Dad's method of communication may seem odd to you, but it is who he is. He is a task master. I grew up with a big yard, a good-sized house and five siblings--there were chores to be done, and six kids to do them. Get to it!
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| The Wright Responsibility Board |
This past week, I set to making my own "Job Board". After researching loads of crafty ideas all over Pinterest and other sites, I decided that my Dad was a man before his time. I couldn't find a more practical version--his just made sense, but I had to apply a bit of Martha Stewart to it! I actually went to Home Depot and said to the man, "I am looking for metal-rimmed key tags. I know you must carry them because my Dad uses them for everything, and I KNOW he has never set foot in a craft store!" Truth be told, I am certain he bought the supplies for his job board at Farm & Fleet (his favorite store), but since there doesn't seem to be a Farm & Fleet in South Tampa, Home Depot had to do!
My finished board is a kinder, gentler version of my Dad's; it is both practical and cute. Turns out Aidan and Cole Patrick especially love to move the key tags to "Done". Apparently, I can say "practice piano" twenty times a day with no response, but a key tag that says "Practice Piano 20 Minutes" gets immediate response. Had I known this, we would have had a job board a long time ago!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
The Race Card
Before I begin, I am going to admit that this fires me up (which is why I am actually blogging two days in a row--whoa!). This a.m., I returned from a run, and while plugging in my iPod to download my run stats, I saw this post at the top of Facebook: "Alec Baldwin tweeted, "If Obama was white, he'd be up by 17 points."" The tweet itself disturbed me, but the fact that a friend of mine, whom I really like and respect, had "liked" it, really upset me.
Now, I am not discreet about being a Romney-Ryan supporter or a Conservative Christian--both of these I proudly am. When Jason met me in 1998, I had been in D.C. four years and ate, slept and breathed politics; he likes to say that he came along and "saved" me from all that. Those who know me, particularly those Democrats and liberals who know me, know that I am not disrespectful of others' politics, beliefs or values. I know mine come from a very personal place, and despite being political and vocal myself, I respect and even enjoy hearing about others' politics. I have a degree in Political Science--politics intrigue me. That is all to say, what angered me is NOT about politics.
Alec Baldwin's comment is racist. Period. This past year, our family grew and subsequently, our perspective greatly changed. We now have two white children and one black child. As a new transracial family, I feel highly aware of race relations and perspectives based upon race. I am learning to better understand what being black in America means because we are raising a son of another race. That comes with different responsibilities--we have unique responsibilites to him. We want nothing but the absolute best for Bren--I would "mama bear" him as quickly as I would Aidan and Cole Patrick. I am highly aware of how I am seen by both blacks and whites. I am aware that on the rare occasion that our family receives a disapproving look, it is more often from blacks than whites. A fact that always saddens me.
When we were waiting to be matched, we read more books on raising a black child than we did about adoption. We are aware that some black groups vehemently fought against the right for whites to even adopt black children at all. We are aware and definitely frustrated that it is certainly more difficult to find books with black characters and other positive black representation in toys and media. Sometimes, I am painfully and embarassingly aware of how "white" society can be.
That all being said, playing the race card as Alec Baldwin did is NOT positive. In fact, it is ignorant and highly irresponsible, not to mention amazingly offensive. This "tweet" basically accuses people of being so ignorant that they are basing their decision for President of the United States on color--not on thoughtfully considering the economy, taxes, education, foreign policy, values...just to mention a few "minor" factors that heavily weigh into deciding your vote. Assuming because of the color of our skin that we can't raise Brendan with proper understanding and respect for his racial heritage is also ignorant and racist. In fact, this is not rocket science, whether black or white or purple, basing any judgement on the color of another's skin, is racist.
I am aware that there are race issues. America is not the perfect balance of harmony that I wish we were, but blatantly encouraging division is completely negative and irresponsible. Let's face it, just like this Mom always says, two wrongs never make a right.
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| Bren & Me |
Alec Baldwin's comment is racist. Period. This past year, our family grew and subsequently, our perspective greatly changed. We now have two white children and one black child. As a new transracial family, I feel highly aware of race relations and perspectives based upon race. I am learning to better understand what being black in America means because we are raising a son of another race. That comes with different responsibilities--we have unique responsibilites to him. We want nothing but the absolute best for Bren--I would "mama bear" him as quickly as I would Aidan and Cole Patrick. I am highly aware of how I am seen by both blacks and whites. I am aware that on the rare occasion that our family receives a disapproving look, it is more often from blacks than whites. A fact that always saddens me.
When we were waiting to be matched, we read more books on raising a black child than we did about adoption. We are aware that some black groups vehemently fought against the right for whites to even adopt black children at all. We are aware and definitely frustrated that it is certainly more difficult to find books with black characters and other positive black representation in toys and media. Sometimes, I am painfully and embarassingly aware of how "white" society can be.
That all being said, playing the race card as Alec Baldwin did is NOT positive. In fact, it is ignorant and highly irresponsible, not to mention amazingly offensive. This "tweet" basically accuses people of being so ignorant that they are basing their decision for President of the United States on color--not on thoughtfully considering the economy, taxes, education, foreign policy, values...just to mention a few "minor" factors that heavily weigh into deciding your vote. Assuming because of the color of our skin that we can't raise Brendan with proper understanding and respect for his racial heritage is also ignorant and racist. In fact, this is not rocket science, whether black or white or purple, basing any judgement on the color of another's skin, is racist.
I am aware that there are race issues. America is not the perfect balance of harmony that I wish we were, but blatantly encouraging division is completely negative and irresponsible. Let's face it, just like this Mom always says, two wrongs never make a right.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
We Can Do Hard Things
Adoption is hard, really hard. I am at the point in our journey that I read about: the part where I am starting to forget some of the trials of the last year. I look at Bren, and he is my son. I am confident about him and us and what came together, and I am thankful that our journey has been swift and relatively smooth--many adoptive families cannot say that.
Recently, our family has been praying about whether we are being led to adopt again. I pray for that giant sign that I cannot miss saying "YES, go this way!" or "NO, turn back. NOW!" Alas, God does not communicate to me in such ways. It doesn't help that I have at times really identified with the misguided prophet, Jonah. And then, there's the overthinking...
Today, I was thinking about entering into adoption in 2010. Before that time, I saw adoption pretty much as a big bowl of rainbows and ponies with sprinkles on top. I am pretty sure I have established by now, that is NOT what adoption is. During the darkest moments of 2011-2012, when we had a toddler grieving his losses (of family and familiarity), a middle child protesting his new family position and me struggling to hold it all together (I may or may not have been in the fetal position), I often turned to a phrase posted to Facebook by my friend (and adoption angel), Kryste:
We can do hard things.
It is that simple.
We can.
I can.
No one ever promised us easy.
In October, we will mark one year together with Bren. He is 180 degrees different...we ALL are different. It has not been without tears or pain or compromise...but we are all better for what we have experienced and the promises of our future. Bren is just amazing--he is flexible and brave. He is funny, social and a great dancer. :-) He is kind, strong and compassionate. Lately, I have worried if it is too soon for him. He still says, "Mommy, will you love me forever and ever?" Sometimes, he slips and calls our home "your" instead of "my." I can't help but wonder if another adoption too soon would hit a weak spot and strike him off-balance.
Daily I consider whether I CAN do it again...as well as whether we should. I always viewed 2010 as the opening for adoption: we were at the beginning of a three-year tour at MacDill--we had a window. Here we are closing in on 2013, a PCS year.We do not yet know where we report next. On top of that, we are all in different places than we were two years ago. For those of you who don't have a 10 year old girl, let me tell you that ONE of those is enough to keep your plate full. Lately, I feel like my life is the scene from "Tangled" where Rapunzel has just left her tower:
"Best day ever!"
"I am the worst daughter ever!"
"I am never going back!"
"I have to go back..."
Aidan can cry over Radio Disney playing the "wrong" song, and the boys are looking at me like, "Is Aidan possessed?" Whoa...and apparently, it only gets more fun...
Aidan's talent in the arts is also maturing. Recently, her teachers have muttered the word "Broadway," and her dance studio is like my second home. There is a lot of seeing what she is made of going on. She is up on pointe and dancing 15+ hours per week. She wants to go to Julliard...did you know 24 applicants per year are accepted to Julliard? 24. Wow. I am starting to feel like Aidan's handler, driver, scheduler, etc. But, I believe in my children, and I will always support their dreams.
I am the fifth of six children. While I love being from a large family, I am personally aware of the point where a child may get lost in the crowd. I know there are exceptions to this, but generally, giving everyone the proper balance of attention can prove challenging with more children vying for that attention...pretty logical.
Of course, being me, I then wonder...who is putting these thoughts in my head? Is it Satan trying to interfere with God's plan (he does know I am an easy target!)...or are they just reasonable considerations about a huge decision? Either way, right now as we look to 2013 and what that brings, I find faith and confidence in knowing one thing: If adopting again is truly God's plan, it will happen. My little brown-eyed boy is living proof of that.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Adoption Itch
The adoption itch: If you have had it, you know what I'm talking about, and you likely have a sweet little one that never spent a moment in your womb as well, because that is pretty much the only cure for the itch. I have it. Again. It seems that many people that adopt do it more than once, so it should be no surprise that I have the itch. Again.
Like many families, our dinner table is an open forum. The other night I threw it out. Of course, the kids have always asked: "Will we adopt again?" Only God really knows. Of course, Aidan and Cole Patrick are all for it. Overall, Brendan is good to have around, if for no other reason than that they really like to tattle! Brendan chimed in, "I used to live with the Big Momma and a boy with funny teeth (he had braces), and you adopted me!" (Somebody has been paying attention!) Jason, I can't exactly read yet, but I couldn't read him on Brendan's adoption either. As a rule, I pretty much just move forward, keeping him apprised--if he objects to something, he'll let me know. That is pretty much how our marriage works, and it hasn't gotten me in too much trouble yet...!
So, I contacted our Adoption Specialist from Brendan's adoption. Apparently, if we want to adopt from the U.S. Foster Care System again, we are good to go. We are still certified, and we would just need minor updates to be ready again for match. Easy Peasy! The problem is I really never do "easy;" I always do things the hard way...it's kind of my motto. I wasn't thinking I wanted to adopt the same way twice--what fun is that? For whatever reason (although, I suspect, He is the reason), I feel led to adopt internationally. Jason didn't really want to hear that; THAT just adds zeros. Paying practically nothing vs. $25,000-35,000...Jason hardly wants to even discuss it.
Okay, I get it--that is a BIG number! We don't have any where near that lying around. We are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. We are comfortable, and that is about it--not a lot of extra, but I consider that an amazing blessing. Many folks can't say that much.
As we discussed adoption at the dinner table, we talked about why we would adopt again. A lot of people have strong feelings about adopting either domestically or internationally--we have pretty much always just felt that if we could help at all, that is great. So, Jason said simply: we have more to give, why not? As a mom, I know the first time I didn't care boy or girl or age or race--this time, I would like a child to bridge the five years between Cole Patrick and Brendan, and I would like another child that doesn't look like us. It may not matter to Bren now, but it very well may later. Aidan says, "Okay after we adopt one younger than Cole, let's adopt one older than me!" I responded,"We're going to top off at four kids, Aidan."...I'm certain many families before us have made similiar proclamations, only to learn that God had other plans, and one thing I know, is that He always has the last word.
I woke up this a.m., and my first thought was adoption. I know I have the itch. I am not good at raising funds--I know a lot people are that embark on international adoption, but if my itch persists, I know I will figure it out. One way or another. Love is the primary motivator for adopting, and love will always find a way.
Like many families, our dinner table is an open forum. The other night I threw it out. Of course, the kids have always asked: "Will we adopt again?" Only God really knows. Of course, Aidan and Cole Patrick are all for it. Overall, Brendan is good to have around, if for no other reason than that they really like to tattle! Brendan chimed in, "I used to live with the Big Momma and a boy with funny teeth (he had braces), and you adopted me!" (Somebody has been paying attention!) Jason, I can't exactly read yet, but I couldn't read him on Brendan's adoption either. As a rule, I pretty much just move forward, keeping him apprised--if he objects to something, he'll let me know. That is pretty much how our marriage works, and it hasn't gotten me in too much trouble yet...!
So, I contacted our Adoption Specialist from Brendan's adoption. Apparently, if we want to adopt from the U.S. Foster Care System again, we are good to go. We are still certified, and we would just need minor updates to be ready again for match. Easy Peasy! The problem is I really never do "easy;" I always do things the hard way...it's kind of my motto. I wasn't thinking I wanted to adopt the same way twice--what fun is that? For whatever reason (although, I suspect, He is the reason), I feel led to adopt internationally. Jason didn't really want to hear that; THAT just adds zeros. Paying practically nothing vs. $25,000-35,000...Jason hardly wants to even discuss it.
Okay, I get it--that is a BIG number! We don't have any where near that lying around. We are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. We are comfortable, and that is about it--not a lot of extra, but I consider that an amazing blessing. Many folks can't say that much.
As we discussed adoption at the dinner table, we talked about why we would adopt again. A lot of people have strong feelings about adopting either domestically or internationally--we have pretty much always just felt that if we could help at all, that is great. So, Jason said simply: we have more to give, why not? As a mom, I know the first time I didn't care boy or girl or age or race--this time, I would like a child to bridge the five years between Cole Patrick and Brendan, and I would like another child that doesn't look like us. It may not matter to Bren now, but it very well may later. Aidan says, "Okay after we adopt one younger than Cole, let's adopt one older than me!" I responded,"We're going to top off at four kids, Aidan."...I'm certain many families before us have made similiar proclamations, only to learn that God had other plans, and one thing I know, is that He always has the last word.I woke up this a.m., and my first thought was adoption. I know I have the itch. I am not good at raising funds--I know a lot people are that embark on international adoption, but if my itch persists, I know I will figure it out. One way or another. Love is the primary motivator for adopting, and love will always find a way.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
School is Back in Session!
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| Aidan & Cole Patrick up and ready for the first day! |
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| Brendan & Ms. Wresinski: If I homeschooled, my children and I would have missed out on her! |
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| Walking home from school with the big boys |
Bren had his foster parents for two-and-a-half years, during that time, he went to daycare five days a week. I don't care what any one else says, NO ONE loves you and looks out for your best interests like your Mama. I know there are a lot of great preschools and daycares out there, but Brendan deserves more time with our family before he is off to school.
Brendan is thriving...we are now six months post adoption, and November will mark a year that he has been a part of our family. He is a different child than the one I met last October. Like any parenting decision, I will always hope and pray that what Jason and I decide is truly the best for our children, and in the meantime, I will just have faith.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
One Less
Tonight I realized, I have an inferiority complex. Otherwise, why did I google "Blogs on international vs. foster care adoptions"? I am not embarassed of Brendan--not at all. He is A-MAZ-ING--in fact, when I stop and observe, he is probaby one of the best behaved three-year-olds EVER. This morning in Mass, I realized that I had achieved the "look" with him--inherited from my Dad, this is the ability to be at the other end of the pew and be able to correct any misbehavior with a single look. This is easier said than done--it took me YEARS to achieve with Cole Patrick--Bren is practically a prodigy! ;-)
[Sigh] Yet, I am having issues convincing others to see past his "stereotypes," which frustrates, angers and humbles me, and in general, has caused me to turn more inward since adopting. It has been a lasting negative effect that I have found most challenging. So, tonight I wondered, is it just me?? Am I imagining it?? Well, everybody knows, the best way to check out "reality" is to google it, so...that is just what I did. Alas, it isn't just me (whew)...in fact, I am starting to equate it to the "working moms" vs. "stay-at-home moms" debate. There will always be people who feel the millions orphaned children from impoverished countries are of greater need than abused/abandoned children in the U.S. and vice versa. I came across this blog that explained it best: http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/2009/10/international-adoption-vs-adoption-from.html. I have mulled it over a number of times in the last ten months: how did I get here? No, really, HOW did I get here? I am not unhappy with my place, not at all, but I am amazed by the journey. God's hand is truly at work. I don't recall ever debating international vs. U.S. foster care adoption--we spent ample time examinng all our options. However, I actually don't recall thinking much at all--we were truly following our hearts--and we were not let down. Brendan is amazing (did I already mention that?!)--each day it becomes more apparent that he fits right in. We are his family. Family.
At the end of the day, the important thing is that he is one less child without a family. ONE LESS. I am starting to realize that only other adoptive families truly "get" it--really, I think most adoptive families would agree: it doesn't matter where or how adoption happened, so much as the fact that adoption happened.
Unfortunately, I barely know any other adoptive families, but I have hopes that will change. For us, it was simply logical, pretty much like this: "Hey, there are kids out there that need love and a family. You know what, we have room for more and extra love laying around. That's something we can do." I don't know how or when our adoption journey began--we pretty much just picked up the phone, and God took it from there.
I really like how the adoptive mom blogger mentioned above states it (much more eloquently than my blogs ever are!):
"Take a chance.
Invest yourself in the life of someone else. Ask God to lead you to your child. Don’t be afraid to really live- because through you, a child to will have a chance really live also.
You won’t be sorry, I promise."
Wow.
Wow.
Seriously, she's not kidding. It just happens and despite my struggles with worrying about what others think about my son, and occasional inferiority complex, I KNOW God led me to Bren, and Bren is AMAZING. Truly.
[Sigh] Yet, I am having issues convincing others to see past his "stereotypes," which frustrates, angers and humbles me, and in general, has caused me to turn more inward since adopting. It has been a lasting negative effect that I have found most challenging. So, tonight I wondered, is it just me?? Am I imagining it?? Well, everybody knows, the best way to check out "reality" is to google it, so...that is just what I did. Alas, it isn't just me (whew)...in fact, I am starting to equate it to the "working moms" vs. "stay-at-home moms" debate. There will always be people who feel the millions orphaned children from impoverished countries are of greater need than abused/abandoned children in the U.S. and vice versa. I came across this blog that explained it best: http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/2009/10/international-adoption-vs-adoption-from.html. I have mulled it over a number of times in the last ten months: how did I get here? No, really, HOW did I get here? I am not unhappy with my place, not at all, but I am amazed by the journey. God's hand is truly at work. I don't recall ever debating international vs. U.S. foster care adoption--we spent ample time examinng all our options. However, I actually don't recall thinking much at all--we were truly following our hearts--and we were not let down. Brendan is amazing (did I already mention that?!)--each day it becomes more apparent that he fits right in. We are his family. Family.
At the end of the day, the important thing is that he is one less child without a family. ONE LESS. I am starting to realize that only other adoptive families truly "get" it--really, I think most adoptive families would agree: it doesn't matter where or how adoption happened, so much as the fact that adoption happened.
Unfortunately, I barely know any other adoptive families, but I have hopes that will change. For us, it was simply logical, pretty much like this: "Hey, there are kids out there that need love and a family. You know what, we have room for more and extra love laying around. That's something we can do." I don't know how or when our adoption journey began--we pretty much just picked up the phone, and God took it from there.
I really like how the adoptive mom blogger mentioned above states it (much more eloquently than my blogs ever are!):
"Take a chance.
Invest yourself in the life of someone else. Ask God to lead you to your child. Don’t be afraid to really live- because through you, a child to will have a chance really live also.
You won’t be sorry, I promise."
Wow.
Wow.
Seriously, she's not kidding. It just happens and despite my struggles with worrying about what others think about my son, and occasional inferiority complex, I KNOW God led me to Bren, and Bren is AMAZING. Truly.
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