Come Rain or Shine

Our family is currently resting in that uncomfortable spot known as "waiting for orders". Now, waiting for orders is never pleasant, but it is even worse when you don't know where in the world, literally, your orders will take you. This is particularly painful for Type A planners, like yours truly. But, alas, we are at the whim of Uncle Sam, so fussing is pretty much futile. Hopefully, in April, we will know where we head this summer, and then I can begin the planning that I must confess, I do love. Until then, we are in a holding pattern...sigh.

Our efforts to adopt again are pretty much on hold as we wait, too. We are reluctant to move forward until we know what the future holds for our family. We have mulled over so many possibilities in the past few weeks, but until we know a destination, we wait.

As we are watching a number of families adopt from the DRC (Democratic Republic of Congo), we are reminded that adoption is a waiting game, too. There are so many starts and stops. Last week, we were at the starting blocks ready to go! Then we had a conference call with the adoption facilitator, and learned that they are becoming an agency because independent adoptions (which we were hoping to pursue) are no longer being allowed as of 2014. Becoming an agency doesn't change any thing per se, but the price increased and the time to complete an adoption in the DRC recently increased. So, again, we step back and re-group a bit.

As we continue to wait and watch at the sidelines, I am intrigued by the families I watch adopt for the first time. I am reminded how naive we were...and likely still are in some ways. I am currently reading a new adoption book entitled, "Come Rain or Come Shine" by Rachel Garlinghouse. What I love about the book is that it is written by a mom--a white parent, who has three black children, and it is tagged "A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children." Unlike so many other "experts"on adoption and most of the "authorities" on adoption during our own adoption, who often don't even have adopted or biological children, she is the real deal. She has been there, done that!



Wright Clan at Epcot

First of, she makes me feels like I am not crazy/paranoid. I am not. Really. :-) In the Prologue, she says, "We weren't the couple in the room with the darling newborn--swaddled in a pink blanket--sleeping in her stroller. We were the couple with the brown-skinned, afro-headed, coffee-colored-eyes, darling newborn. The reality is that despite popular pronouncements, the world is not colorblind, prejudice didn't evaporate after the civil rights movement, and being White still comes with many privileges that brown-skinned individuals do not have." She continues to say, "Particularly in the case of transracial adoption, adoptive parents will face scrutiny from both individuals of their own race and of the child's race." Amen! Not amen that this is true, but amen that we are not just imagining this. As Bren became ours, we literally watched as some people distanced themselves from us, some of them college-educated, Christian folks--people we thought were just like us. This is one reason that even as much as we love our life here, we are eager to move to a place where no one ever knew us before Bren was our son. In theory, we will not watch any one drift away and wonder what happened. What you see is what you get.

One wonderful aspect of the military is diversity. I would be remiss if I did not acknowlege the MANY others that wholeheartedly embrace our family and support us. For the most part, people in our lives are extremely open-minded, tolerant to differenes and amazingly supportive. Over Spring Break, we spent some time out and about at various Disney Parks, and we definitely saw some of the ugliness that does still persist in our society, and not just from Americans. At this point it is mostly judging, negative looks. I can tell you without doubt that if you put our adorable 4-year-old son next to any white 4-year-old, most adults will be drawn to the white child. It breaks my heart. As he grows older, it will not improve unless we change our perception of different races, particularly blacks and espcially black males.



Cole Patrick, Aidan and Brendan's Jam Session

As I read further in her book I found a checklist: "You might be a good candidate for transracial adoption if..." followed by several situations. The one that most piqued my interest: "You intend to adopt more than one minority child." Ah, validation! So, I no longer feel so guilty that my primary reason to adopt again is for Brendan to have a sibling that isn't fair-skinned, fair-haired and light-eyed. For some reason, I felt like that was a poor reason to adopt--like getting Bren a puppy. Apparently, that is okay (not the puppy, the sibling! ;-). Not that I am not eager to have one more loud child running through my house, jumping off the furniture and bickering about being touched by another one of the loud children...I am (not). ;-) Really, at the heart of my pull to adopt again is Bren. While I can point out all the ways we match: two eyes, a nose, two legs, a heart, ears, etc. I know a day will come where our ONE difference hurts like hell for him. If adopting a sibling will ease that, I'm in.

I pray that families like ours make a difference in the way races see each other. I hope that we touch lives and continue to evolve in our relatively new position as a transracial family. Soon we will know where we are headed, and we can start again, in so many ways. Only God knows what our future holds. What ever it may be, we plan to embrace it, come rain or shine.