Phase One: Denial

Lots of journeys have stages: grief, recovery, and yes, PCSing. Now, after fourteen years as an Army wife, the ridiculousness of saying, "Boy, that really came out of left field!" is not lost on me. Yet, that was my first reaction. I thought we were in for the long dreamed about, but never experienced, "easy move" (which, yes, is an oxymoron)...I thought we were just going north a little bit back to North Carolina. Last week when Jason came home and said Colorado is on that table, I was surprised; when Jason came home Tuesday and said Hawaii, well that was completely out of left field.

Now, I will say, Jason should know better by now then to shout after me "It's Hawaii" as I casually ask him if he heard anything on my way out the door for the evening. He knows by now that I have to be gently patted on the head and told I'm pretty before you spring things on me. Okay, so first reaction: wow, that's different, exciting....thirty minutes pass...that's big, scary, isolated, volcanoes, tsunamis, I'm going to die in Hawaii!!! I have officially entered Phase One: Denial.

Now, the denial stage of PCSing can be brief or last months. There are still fingernail marks from 2008 when the Army dragged me from North Carolina to Fort Lewis. ;-) Tuesday night I googled PCSing to Hawaii and the first link I get is this: http://armywife101.com/2010/09/hawaii-one-army-wifes-thoughts-on-why-she-hates-living-here.html. Now, I know I shouldn't read it, but it is like a train wreck...though I can feel my fears taking over, I can't stop reading. Let me say this, "Army Wife", writing negatives on a location is so wrong--so un-Army wife--you are not doing yourself or your fellow wives any favor. We live uniquely challenging lives--if we can't support each other, we are completely lost. It isn't like we have a choice. I have yet to meet an Army wife who said, "Yeah, this move/deployment/etc. just isn't going to work for me," and the Army responded, "Oh, sorry about that. Okay, how about this awesome assignment instead?" That ONLY happens in our dreams.

Wednesday, I woke up full-strength denial mode. Maybe I'll stay behind with the kids, maybe the Army will decide to send us somewhere else, maybe if I don't say the word "Hawaii" we won't get orders. I spend the day with a cloud over my head, a heart that aches and wearing my pity party hat.

Thursday, I am absolutely certain that God is punishing me. This might be a Catholic thing, but yes, we do this crazy guilt thing: I have sinned; I know I have sinned; and now I have to atone. I am being sent to Hawaii because I haven't behaved well. Okay, that sounds completely ridiculous even to say--I can't even type it without laughing, but you get the jist of my complete crazy state-of-mind on Thursday.

By Thursday night, I am starting to realize because I have been an Army wife for fourteen years that I need to embrace this and make this the best, most positive experience possible. We have overcome challenging housing and schools before...we are going to Hawaii, stop bellyaching because my babies depend on my lead to color this move. So, Thursday night as I am driving home I see this guy's shirt,the back says: "Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon, and that's close enough." Wait, I remember that Hawaii was wild boars, bacon right in our back yard...boars=pigs=bacon=happiness! We can have bacon and be happy--this is going to work!! (P.S. IF you followed my logic there, you really should be deeply concerned...)

Denial stage official ends--only two days, not bad for me! ;-)

Friday, on to Phase Two: Acceptance. We are going to Hawaii!!!! Aloha!!