My Journey to a New Reality

Aidan, Bren & Cole Patrick

I was at the doctor a couple weeks ago, and she mentioned that a friend of hers was told in the adoption process that if they choose to adopt a black baby their adoption would move much quicker. This is absolutely true. In fact, until we were in our home study, I did not know that many adoptive parents are not open on the issue of race. I vividly remember being absolutely floored by this. It seems contradictory to me. You are willing to adopt a child that is not biologically yours, but you want to pick out the color? This astounded me. I was naïve--so incredibly naïve.

First of all, not everyone adopts because their are too many children that need a loving family; in fact, many people adopt because they need a child. Now, you think I am master of the obvious here, but in actuality, everyone lives within their own scope of reality, however narrow or wide that may be. My reality wasn't that I needed another child, but I really wanted one...or two or three more, and I was aware that there were a bunch that needed homes, so it was pretty logical. Adopting a child of another race, I learned just how narrow my scope really was. As I was talking to my doctor, I told her, I felt almost ridiculous that I had lived 40 years only truly seeing part of the world. In fact, she said, you can apply that to so many instances. For example, say you were opposed to homosexuality and you had a homosexual child, suddenly you might view things completely differently. This is a valid point,and it could be applied in several instances. Absolutely--once it is personal, it changes everything. It is truly humbling.

ADORABLE!!!

I am currently reading, Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Beverly Daniel Tatum. First of all, yes, I do pick my books by how awesome the title is--just like I pick my wine by how creative the name is--the crazier, the better. I am a simple person. Seriously, this is a phenomenal book. Amazing eye-opener. As I have previously stated, as parents of a black male, Jason and I feel enormous responsibility to realistically prepare him for how society will see him, both WITH us and on his own. I will confess that I am extremely diligent about manners and behavior with him, probably even overboard, but any little edge I can give him, I will. I am fully aware that the world will be harder on my little brown baby than my two blue-eyed, fair-haired children. As their Mama, it absolutely breaks my heart, and I cannot always wrap my head around it, but I fully know that denying it is not doing Brendan any favors. It is Jason's and my job to raise him to be the best man possible and ignoring racism is not an option.
 
I am only a few chapters into the book, but already it is bleeding pink highlighter. I really like how the author defines racism in America. She explains that it cannot be called an expression of prejudice alone, but rather it is a "system of advantage based on race." Now, I was raised with little exposure to people who looked different than me, and I did not hear my family speak negatively of other races, so perhaps I am an oddity in that I am more intrigued by differences than I am fearful of them. I have always been drawn to better understanding people's differences, whether it be physical, beliefs, politics or religion. In the past almost two years since Brendan became part of our lives, it has been a flood of new knowledge for me. At times, I have felt nearly overwhelmed by the wide scope of differences in my previous reality vs. actual reality (or perhaps current reality).

Yes, the advantage is undeniable. As I prepare Brendan for school, I am much more nervous than I ever was with Aidan or Cole Patrick. As whites, in complete honesty, there are so many advantages we never even notice--that is our reality. For instance, I sent both Aidan and Cole Patrick to preschool and then on to Kindergarten with complete confidence that they would be treated fairly by their teachers--it never occurred to me that they might not be. On the other hand, that is currently one of my greatest concerns for Bren--selecting a school/teacher where he will not be treated with any discrimination for either being black or being adopted.

"Because racism is so ingrained in the fabric of American institutions, it is easily self-perpetuating." True words. Perhaps I wouldn't have seen this two years ago, but I am acutely aware now. As the author describes, most of us think of racism as a vile image of men in white hoods--to be called a racist would be like a punch in the gut. In actuality, racism is a thread through most of our lives--whether we are aware of it or not. In many ways, media is a significant perpetuator of racism--more and more, media defines what is good, bad, beautiful, ugly, right, wrong. I see it in books, magazines, movies, social media, every where. Previously, I might pick up a book or magazine and never notice a lack of diversity or positive images of non-whites. Now, I notice it immediately.

Perhaps I really am naïve, but what torments me the most is why? After almost two years with a black son, I cannot figure out why the fuss over black and white? Our differences are truly miniscule--in actuality, even being non-biologically related, Bren has acclimated to us to the point that nurture is truly outweighing nature. His only differences are colors of skin/hair, hair texture and that he is a better dancer. The similarities are much greater--he talks like us, thinks like us, jokes like us, he has developed the same interests of reading, drawing and sports. Would he have been different in another family? Probably, but not necessarily because of the black and white, but because families are different. 

One of my hopes for my family is that we will touch peoples' lives that perhaps had never considered the issue of race or didn't even realize the choke-hold racism actually has on our society. I hope that people will read what I write and maybe increase their awareness. I do realize that not everyone will be drawn to us--some will see us as too different--I've seen that already, but many people will see beyond our skin. I hope with each life the Wright family touches, we will open doors and minds.