Love Blossomed This Year

Aidan, Cole Patrick & Brendan: Our Angels

Well, I know my last post was not much fun--I know it struck a chord with some, and I know others have watched me agonize through my in-law relationship for years, so in this wonderful season of blessings, I want to quickly follow up with a positive note. A relationship that many of you have watched beautifully blossom: our love for Brendan.

It has been a year. A whole year. As Christmas is coming, we have found that almost all of us have somehow blocked last year--we keep asking each other random questions, "Did we do this, that or the other thing last year?" and none of us can seem to recall. I am fairly certain that I was under the dining room table in fetal position--I imagine the others were taking their own emotional shelter. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Adoption is a journey, and the most difficult journey is always the most worth it.

Last year, we were in the midst of home visits, tears and chaos. Most days, I was just thankful that I kept everyone alive--we were a family in transition and more than a few of us were resisting it. I was in the darkest place I have been. I was haunted by worries about the path we had taken--constantly questioning God's plan. Jason was overwhelmed with worries about me. We were literally drowning in worry, doubt and second-thoughts. I had lost the ability to play my usual role of Martha Stewart--knowing that every thing was a struggle with a transitioning two-year-old (not to mention a transitioning 8-year old and 40-year old--Aidan and Jason were the only two to really display some fortitude). I lost my desire to bake because I was entrenched in the food wars--each night, I knew we would go to battle at the dining room table. I realized that as a stay-at-home Mom, my entire world was crashing in--maybe I wasn't the mom I thought I was? (On a positive note, I did really blossom as a runner, as Bren and I both found peace on the trail.)

 A year later, we have a son--an amazing son--without worry or doubt. The baking is back; the crafts are back; and a dark cloud no longer lingers in our dining room. A year ago, I never truly believed it would be like this. Looking back, to be perfectly honest, I was in the process of completely losing faith. I clung to the thought that one day I'll be "Mom" to him and one day I won't worry if everything he does is "normal". I  prayed that one day, we would ALL be better for the path we were walking. But I did not really believe.

 

An amazing struggle reaped blessings beyond what we dreamed: a little boy who truly calls us Mom and Dad. A little boy who now comes to us when he is hurt or sad; a little boy who loves us and depends on us. I no longer fear his emotions or who he might be. I don't think twice about taking him to Target or the Commissary...or public. I KNOW him now; I LOVE him: two things I honestly couldn't have said last Christmas.

 

This year, I am amazingly excited about Christmas--I went from barely breathing to handmaking all our Christmas cards, making ornaments and planning out everything to make this Christmas magical for them. We are happy, we are healthy and we are truly blessed.