My Son

Even though I haven't actually written a new post in five months, I have written one in my head dozens of times. The problem is these three children who always want to be fed, taken to school, helped with homework and then, if that isn't enough, driven all over the city for violin, ballet, church, voice, etc. SO needy...! ;-) I wouldn't have it any other way--in fact, I would welcome more of the chaos.


Okay, so this time of year in particular, I play the part of adoption advocate. Albeit I am not great at it because I am STILL waiting for you people to adopt! ;-) We are about to start November, "National Adoption Month," which makes me a bit more outspoken than usual. Today, I was about to comment on a Facebook comment where someone had said, "Maybe we'll adopt one day." I caught myself about to write, "Do it! You won't regret it!" But then I realized, that is a complete lie; there WILL be points where you regret it.


Never one to be anything but honest when it comes to adoption, I would be lying to say there have not been moments when I thought about life before adoption and longed for it. With that said, what about parenthood? If you have not dreamily thought about life before the short people owned your time and absorbed all your energy, chances are, you're a liar. Parenting, whether bio or adoptive children, is NOT all kittens, unicorns and rainbows--in fact it is often blood, sweat and tears. If your experience is more kittens, unicorns and rainbows, you clearly aren't doing it right! ;-)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Adoption is the HARDEST journey to the GREATEST reward. I am just emerging from the longest first quarter of a school year EVER. Since Kindergarten started in August, I have been Bren's shadow. I am pretty sure that all the faculty at Bren's school secretly call me the Mom Stalker. Bren had a very rough start to Kindergarten--the principal had me on speed dial for the first week and then his wonderful and amazingly supportive teacher and I just decided it would be best if I just stayed: in the back of the classroom, in the hallway, around the corner--anywhere to scare him straight. ;-) Seriously, I hung out every day at school and it worked. It was not fun--I cried most days. His teacher told me yesterday, "There are few parents that would have done what you did for your son." That is unfortunate. I believe in him; I knew he could do this. As a parent, I know one thing for certain: it isn't about me; it is about him.


Bren has had adults fail him. Building trust takes time--this past quarter I spent at school transferring my authority to the teachers so he could see that it was okay. His success in mastering the fundamentals of behavior in Kindergarten was my only priority. Believe me, I thought about pulling him and just homeschooling--it would have been so much easier. However, Jason and I knew that in the long run, he needed to have this success. Academically, he is just like his big sister and brother--super bright, but he needed something I couldn't give him at home: the ability to trust, respect and accept leadership from adults besides us. It was frustrating, heartbreaking and exhausting. At the same time, it was amazing and rewarding. I never had to do this with my bio children--they naturally made the transition to school. Unlike Bren, they went into Kinder with a solid, stable five years under their belts. With them, I took for granted what a huge step Kindergarten really is. It came so easy, I never stopped to even think about it.


There is so much I never had to think about before adoption. Everything fit right into a perfect box--it was all very neat and tidy. Adoption, especially transracial adoption, can open some pretty messy doors. Over the past three years, there have been moments where I have been completely overwhelmed by the things that no longer perfectly fit into my neat and tidy box. I have been angry at the way people sometimes look at my son or me or my family. I have been both shocked and saddened by some people's reactions and stereotypes of adoption, especially foster care adoption. I have been frustrated out of my mind with race issues--and exhausted having my neat world opened to these issues to which previously, I had been completely oblivious. Other times, I have been just unbelievably floored that I had actually lived 40 years and NOT realized the complexity and unfairness of race relations. Beyond adoption and race issues, I took for granted the true necessity and pure power of love and nurturing. I now remind people that not every one is loved from birth. Whoa. No matter what else you have or don't have, if you were loved from birth, you are truly blessed. Bren went almost three years without a family. Three years. Can you imagine? I can't. I can't--I think it would literally break my heart. There are moments when I mourn not having that time with him.

Three years later, I am stronger, deeper, better. We all are. That crazy little man is my son. My son. Not my "adopted son," my son. There are moments I never thought we'd get to this point, but we are here. The path has not been easy, neither is parenting a bio child. There are no guarantees made when it comes to children. Give them time, love and discipline and pray A LOT. I am honest about adoption in hopes that others will choose the same path. There are so many children that just need love and time. This is a path worth taking.