The Food War

Before I continue too far, I want to make sure that any one reading this does know I wholeheartedly support adoption: foster care, international, private--whatever it takes! I know at times it may sound like I am negative, but this is not the case...I am honest. I remember during our certification courses, the instructors were painting this vivid, nearly horrifying picture of some of the behaviors we might see in children from foster care, you could feel the tension suffocating the room as we all doubted our path. Jason, always the funny guy, raised his hand and asked, "Do you even want us to adopt?" The class and instructors burst into laughter. Like life, adoption has its ups and downs--to this point in my life, it is the hardest thing I have done, but I do not regret it, and I would do it again.

So, the food war...we are now seven months into Brendan being our son, and the dust from the food war is just starting to settle. I don't want to ruin the ending, but it is important for me to say, "I won." Unfortunately, that is not withstanding some mistakes that may have been made along the way, but I don't think they were "future therapy-level" mistakes.

Here we have Brendan, the almost three-year-old, who loves chicken nuggets, fries and juice, and then you have me, the parent, who doesn't do chicken nuggets, fries and juice. Add in the fact that I don't often bend rules, and Brendan is strong-willed, and each night we would met at the battlefield, er, the dinner table.

Before battle...he definitely has the cute advantage!

Brendan came to us not drinking milk, not eating vegetables and only eating bananas and apples for fruit. The milk and vegetables were not negotiable. I did not lightly go to war over food. I believed two things were happening that could have long-term impact if not swiftly managed. First, I think Brendan had already formed an unhealthy relationship with food. He showed signs that he was eating for reasons other than to fuel his growing body. Secondly, he had unhealthy food habits, including food that lacked proper nourishment for a developing child and portions that were too large for a three-year-old.

Some of the change came pretty smoothly, he asked for juice a lot, and I offered milk or water. Slowly, he started to drink milk and has even come to really like it, and naturally, stopped asking for juice. Vegetables were another story. Each night we would face off over the veggies. For about five months, I literally dreaded dinner--a time that I had previously cherished as we all gathered to give thanks and share the highlights of our day, had become a series of refusals, demands, time-outs and crying...at the lowest point, I believe I ended up under the table in fetal position...but we don't need to go there...

In some ways, sadly, I think that before us, Brendan just sort of existed. He was tolerated and given his way to prevent tantrums. As a parent I have come to strongly believe that children thrive on boundaries--boundaries show that you care enough to say "no" when it would be easier to say "yes". Aidan and Cole Patrick can recite my "I am not your friend" speech by heart..."I am not here to be your friend. My job is to raise you to be kind, responsible citizens who contribute to the greater good of society..."

Brendan quickly embraced many boundaries. He loved the no shoes in the house rule and reminds every one that enters our home to remove their shoes. He also likes to ensure that all shoes are safely deposited in the appropriate person's shoe basket, which is awesome because this isn't a strong point for other family members...Brendan reminds all that we pray before dinner, we don't speak with our mouths full, and we keep our elbows off the table. Brendan thrived on having a routine. He quickly came to expect that we take Aidan and Cole Patrick to school, go for a run, have a snack, read books, nap, have lunch and go back to school for pick-up. If I did any thing out of order, he would correct me, and I almost felt him let out a huge sigh that things were falling into place.

I am happy to say now that Brendan readily eats vegetables! He prefers broccoli, but eats sugar snap peas, green beans, peas and even asparagus on a regular basis. He eats strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, blackberries and kiwi. He will now try almost anything and likes most foods he tries. In the end, really, we all won. It was not easy, but Brendan has healthy food habits that will likely serve him for a lifetime. Amen.