Before Being Wright

I am a huge overthinker...and I can overthink ANY THING. Add that to adoption, and you have one of my greatest struggles. I have limitless questions that have impossible answers; it is enough to drive any one crazy, but mix that with an overthinker, and you have the recipe for many sleepless nights.

My questions started even before Brendan was our match. I would endlessly wonder about "nature vs. nuture." I would call my sister, who is a scientist, and pick her brain wanting to know what is pre-determined and what is influenced by how you are raised. Genetics vs. enviroment--you know, light stuff. As you can imagine, I would always end up more lost and confused (she uses REALLY big words)...and of course, these are impossible questions. All the time, I knew I just had to use faith to calm my fears, but sometimes I am more on the way to being that person than I am already that person!

The first photo we ever saw of Brendan

Once we were matched, the overthinking shifted into high gear. Now I had specific questions, fears, thoughts...I know nearly everything that has ever happened to Aidan and Cole Patrick. I know what they like, what they don't like, what scares them, what movies they have seen, what foods they have tried, where they have visited...every thing. I also know what I did and did not do before they were born. I wondered about his birth mom and dad, who we know very little about. What did they look like? Did they still live in this city? Were they still alive?

One of our dogs spent a year as a stray before we adopted her. Sometimes I look at Emma and say, "Emma Bean, what were you doing for a year??" If I am wondering that about our pup, you can imagine the questions pinging through my head about our new son. Beyond the obvious of what do you like and not like. I would wonder about all the unknowns--I would overanalyze everything--I still do. At first he kept confusing our two dogs: Emma is black, and Sophie is brown. I would be perplexed, asking my husband if we should be concerned. He can't tell the dogs apart--is there something wrong with him? He pointed with his middle finger instead of his pointer--why would he do that? He threw a tantrum--is he aggressive? He doesn't know his colors--is he developmentally delayed? It did not help that I couldn't, still haven't fully, conjured up my memories of how Aidan and Cole Patrick were at three-years-old. I suspect that lack of memory about three-year-olds is much like the memory of childbirth, programmed by God to be quickly forgotten so that we will actually reproduce again.

Last night, I was fixing dinner, and Aidan asked me to come in the living room. Brendan was telling her something she didn't understand, and she thought he was saying "mommy." It turned out Brendan was actually talking about the little girl he was raised with from birth. He was talking about her being at "the other house" and some of the things they did there (although he mentioned doing donkey kicks at the other house, and I am a pretty sure the donkey kick IS a Wright signature dance move, so I think some of his memory was him just trying to figure out reality).

Bren has been with us since last October, and this is the most he has ever talked of his foster family. We thought it was odd that he never asked for them (Was there something wrong with him??). Every once in a while he would briefly say something, but it would pass quickly. I was caught off-guard. I had no idea what to say. Along with the foster family, we had decided not to maintain a relationship--once Brendan moved to our house, they were not seen again.

To be honest, Jason and I have just hoped that soon enough he would never remember a time before being part of our family. At first I panicked, my heart was racing, and I was tempted to just ignore it or act like he was crazy...but that wouldn't be right. I am his Mom; I had to acknowlege it and comfort him. He finished talking and gave me a big hug. I explained to him that he was a part of our family and always would be. I don't know what triggered last night's thoughts and memories for him...maybe it was Jason packing to go TDY, maybe he misses his foster family, maybe it is just...normal. Of course, I am overthinking it, but I realize I will never really know what happened before us. With time, the past and even our transition will fade, and we will all struggle to remember a time in our family before Brendan.