Journey to Mama

"Mommy! Where are you?" called Brendan as I transferred a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. "Just hang on, Sugar Bear, I'm coming right back upstairs," I replied. But he came down and found me. Many moms may sigh, longing to lose the shadow for a moment. Even I have been known to "hide" in the laundry room for a few moments of serenity. Ah, but not with Brendan--at last he is seeking me out! Praise the Lord!

When we were going through certification to adopt, I often thought it would be so much harder for the parents who were adopting without already having biological children. Afterall, they would have no basis for "normal"? They would constantly wonder whether behavior was "normal". Well, I don't mean to brag, but I am pretty much par for the course in being wrong about adoption...already having children, you know the behavior isn't normal, and as a mama, that can be devastating...not exactly better.

The first day Brendan came to his new home.

Closing in on eight months since Bren joined the Wright clan, and I believe I am just now seeing signs that when he calls me "mommy," he really means "Mommy". Aidan & Cole Patrick nearly cling to me. They are always close, wanting to share, to be touched and held. Sometimes I think if they could, they would climb right back in!

Bren didn't look for me; he didn't reach for my hand; he didn't call out "Mommy." He was independent, but not in a good way...in a way that made my heart ache. He would wander aimlessly through the house, playing by himself and never seeking me out. In the car, he didn't converse with me like Aid and C.P., he stared out the window with a look beyond his almost three years. I already had children, so I knew these behaviors weren't "normal," or at least not for bio kids.

I don't really know any one else who has had a toddler/preschool adoption, so I have no basis for comparison, but I believe adoption at this age is unique because he is at such a key developmental stage. Parents adopting from birth know their children, well, from birth...parents who adopt "older" children can at least (possibly) communicate more effectively with them. Brendan is three--he hasn't developed the capability to commuicate in-depth feelings, and what he does communicate may not be complete reality. He is trying to figure out himself and how he fits into this world. He doesn't totally understand...and either do we. I am trying to walk the fine line of encouraging him to develop the natural independence that comes with being a three-year-old while simultaneously learning to depend on us. If not walked correctly, I know this can be a contradiction. I am desperately trying not to mess up.

I've said it countless times: adoption is a journey. There is no instant gratification--unlike what a part of me expected, rainbows and ponies did NOT come with the adoption decree. Adoption is a slow, hard-earned reward, the kind that you cherish the most. Tonight I tucked Bren in, and he could not sleep. He came down looking for me and asked me to lay in bed with him. He clung to me and caressed the skin on my arm. We're not there yet, but we are miles closer than we were.