Brendan's Own Family

Perhaps I have mentioned it before, but I am not asked many questions. Perhaps people don't find me approachable (although I get asked for directions ALL the time), or maybe folks just aren't interested...either way, I am certainly not up on my correct adoption-speak answers.

This morning we started a new session of swim lessons. Bren has been doing fabulously at swim lessons; in fact, he may even be overconfident. He is bobbing under the water, hanging on the edge of the platform; generally, making the lifeguards nervous. He was getting a little too rambunctious today, so I called him out of the water to let him know it was time to take it down a notch...or twelve. As I told him to calm down and be careful, he stood straight up, looked me in the eyes and said, "Yes, Ma'am." When I sent him back to lessons, the other Moms were impressed with his immediate obedience, "How old is he? Wow! He handled that well."

Brendan at swim lessons

I explained that Brendan is pretty new to our family, and he responds very well to rules. I've always known that children thrive on boundaries, but Brendan is pretty much a case study. I can pretty confidently say that he lacked any boundaries before joining our family. I believe his foster family let him have his way to avoid conflict--they weren't invested. Our family runs on rules and routines, and luckily for all of us, Brendan is like me, he thrives on rules and routine. I explained to them that I believe children often equate boundaries to love and inclusion, and many adoptive children are ripe to embrace that. This seemed to open the gate to questions: "Do you have other children? Are they adopted? Did he take to you right away? When did he start calling you 'Mama'?" Then the question that just didn't sit right, mostly because I didn't answer it like I should have: "Did he live with his own family before you?" I should have corrected her or at the very least responded using the term "birth family," but alas, I am not yet seasoned. "No, he has never lived with his own family," I responded. UGH!! The minute I said it, I wanted to change it, but I couldn't eloquently explain it. We ARE his own family. Giving birth doesn't make you family--but that is so hard to explain in a casual conversation. Before adopting, I would have struggled to understand the complexity of it, too. He has embraced every house rule we have--often being the ambassador for our protocol--because he is a finally a part of something; he is part of a family...his own family.