Today at the Commissary a woman came up to me and brightly said, "You home-school your children, don't you? I can tell; both my daughters home-school and all my grandchildren are home-schooled." I know why she said this: I speak intelligently to my children. I am a firm believer in using every moment to teach. Brendan is exceptionally curious. I don't know him well enough yet, so I don't know if it is just his nature or if it is his way of trying to have some control over his life--I suspect it might be a little of both. Nonetheless, I had been talking to Brendan about George Washington. I didn't mind that she assumed I home-schooled, what irked me was how her sunny demeanor changed when I responded, "No. I don't home-school." I felt like suddenly her impression of my parenting went straight from positive to negative when she learned that I (gasp!) send my children away to public school each day. It is a similar response that I receive when I am asked, "Where is he from?" and I respond, "Tampa." Not exactly the exotic location they were assuming, and suddenly my American-made boy isn't nearly as intriguing. I suddenly feel like judgement is headed our way. But, to be honest, you can't please me--the other day, a person actually said what I assume most people think and that both shocked and offended me. I said that Brendan never knew his birth mom (which isn't exactly true--really he was with her for 10 days, but I don't get into specifics with total strangers), and this person responded, "Oh, yes, they test positive for drugs, and the babies are taken right away."
I won't say that I am getting used to assumptions as much as I am trying to learn not be on the defensive. One of the most challenging aspects of being a transracial family for me is being looked at in public. We look different, and despite what many of you may think and some of said to me, in general, Americans really aren't as socially advanced as we may like to think. Let me remind you though, as I have said in other posts, this is still very fresh to me--adoption is a journey.
Even though I know my siblings would call me a bald-faced liar, I actually do not like attention. I like to know what is going on, I like to lead, I even like to delegate, but in fact, I actually dread attention. This particular characteristic of mine does not mesh well with transracial adoption. People are curious by nature--I am not ever offended by curiousity. It is the manner in which the curiousity is communicated that is really the issue. For instance, children are completely honest with their curiosity and carry no judgement. Brendan has been asked by children where his "real" Mommy and Daddy are and if he is adopted. Aidan and Cole Patrick have been asked numerous times--sometimes several times by the same child--if Brendan is their brother. Children are curious--they mean no harm, and I am always right there to help explain until Aidan, Cole Patrick and Bren learn what they are comfortable discussing and how to properly discuss it. Brendan has no clue what "adoption" is, and he doesn't know what "real" means yet--we will cross that bridge in time.
What does upset me is the assumptions. Every scenario is unique depending on who is with Bren, different assumptions for different situations. People assume I am babysitting, he is a foster child, my husband is black, he is adopted from Africa or that he is just adopted. Generally, people don't ask--we certainly get more stares than questions, so in actuality, I am merely assuming what they are assuming...! The irony of my situation is not lost on me.
I can't say that assumptions ever accomplish good--it usually just stirs up trouble. In reality though, we have a lifetime of assumptions ahead of us, no matter how smart, how cute, how talented Brendan is, I will always have to work harder to advocate for him than I will for Aidan and Cole Patrick. He is a black male who was adopted from foster care into a military family--there are so many assumptions to be made. God give me strength.
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